So the previous entry wasn’t really an introductory post, but was just something I had to get off my chest. Expect that here. Getting stuff off the chest, I mean. I am quitting school this month. I cringe to use the word quit. But let’s see what our good man, Ted Hughes has to say about quitting school:
This is really fiddling while Rome burns. The men that walk out of University are invariably the strongest minded most intelligent ones. The fools cannot see it as unimportant, and if they carelessly neglect it because they are fools, they get frightened and are recognizable on all sides, some commit suicide, one last week. The weak minded ones procrastinate and at the expense of all their time retreat to the lowest corner of the lowest tripos. The conventional ones, and the ones secure in predetermined destinies and profession, go quietly through with what they began. The individual ones protest and mock but do it, unless they are so determined or intelligent they find it easy to walk out.
Ted Huges, Letter to Edith & William Hughes, May 1954
Do not fret my friends who are still in the good fight, still in school. I do not think Ted Hughes, and certainly not I, think you are fools. But if you are delaying something else that you truly want to do, accomplish, or become, then yes, perhaps you are a fool. We are not given much time on this heartbreaking Earth. True, much more time than our ancestors and apes that came before us, but still, if it is no longer a blink of an eye, it is not much more than two.
And that is where I now find myself. I have fooled, been foolish, have been a fool, for some time now. As far back as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a writer, and that is why I read everything I came across. And still, I did not read much. In my household, during road trips, there were multiplication tables to be memorized, phylum, families, and classes to remember. And so while I read more than most, I did not read enough.
Years later, I find myself desperately trying to devour everything I missed and I grow too impatient. I begin another book not because I’m bored with the one(s) I’ve already started, but because I am too anxious to start the next.
But see, I’m already along tangents. In one month I leave for the Grand Canyon, and then Alaska. I leave a life I never really wanted, but will miss nonetheless. There are some here who made their way into my heart and I fear they will never leave. But this place is slowly dampening me. Thirty-three years have already passed, I cannot afford anymore in denial. A heart can only be repaired so many times. I fear I am nearing my limit. It is time to find the place where it can rest and eventually grow again. There is an enormous amount of emptiness inside waiting to be filled. Grow. Grow. Grow.
So, to get away from the poetics for a moment. Follow me here. I hope to be posting, ranting, confessing, commenting, and pondering here regularly. I would appreciate your comments, encouragements, criticisms, and advice. I am yours.